How to Support Your Child with ADHD Through Your Divorce or Separation

Written by Corine Noethe, LMSW
Kids In The Middle Therapist

Divorce and separation can be a big adjustment for any kid. There are a lot of changes and emotions involved. However, for a child with ADHD these feelings and adjustments can feel a lot more overwhelming. A change as big as a divorce or separation can often cause a grief reaction in adults and children. Grief can have impacts on our concentration, emotional regulation, sleep, appetite and more. For a child with ADHD who may already be struggling in a lot of these categories these areas are going to continue to get more challenging. However, there are things that you can do to best support your child.

1. Be clear about the changes happening in the family. When parents are going through a divorce or separation there are a lot of changes that occur for each member of the family. It is important that your child is aware of what these changes will be so that they are able to prepare for them and understand why they are happening. However, it is also important to ensure that this information is appropriate for their age and stage of development.
2. Routines are important. Routines can be very beneficial for a child with ADHD. It helps the child to prepare themselves for what is coming up and deal with the feelings involved with that. Try your best to keep a consistent schedule between homes to limit the amount of time it takes to adjust when moving between homes.
3. Try to maintain similar expectations and consequences between households. Similarly to routines it is important for children to know what to expect when it comes to rules and consequences if those rules are broken. Be sure that these expectations and consequences are appropriate for their age and developmental stage and if possible consistent between the two homes. Reminders are always helpful especially if there are varying expectations between homes.
4. Allow your child space to share their thoughts and feelings. It is important for the child to be able to feel like they can come to you with any difficult thoughts and feelings they are having. It can be helpful to ask the child how they are feeling periodically and by modeling the behavior yourself throughout the day. Examples could be, “Mom is feeling frustrated right now” or “Dad is feeling tired today.” As always, make sure the feelings you are modeling are appropriate. It is especially important that you are not sharing negative feelings toward your co-parent with your child.
5. Offer choices when possible. Many children who their parents are getting a divorce report that there is a lot of things that feel out of control. By offering small choices throughout the day, you can remind children of the many other things in their life that they do have control over. Some examples could be laying out two outfits for the child and having them pick which one they would like to wear that day or letting the child choose between two meal options.

Although this is primarily geared toward children with ADHD these tips can be helpful to use with any child during a divorce or separation to help ensure the process feels as smooth and as comfortable as possible!