Tips for Introducing a New Partner to Your Children

Written by Colin Sandgren MS, LPC
Kids In The Middle Therapist

The intent of this article is to provide a general set of guidelines to follow when contemplating the introduction of a new romantic partner to your child or children post-divorce. Unfortunately, and as with many things in life, there is no set practice of how to go about introducing a new romantic partner to your child or children, but there are some general practices that can help ensure a healthy and positive introduction. I have done my best to outline these best practices based on relevant research and my personal experience working with children and families of divorce.

Tip 1 – Wait 9 to 12 months before introducing a new partner: Divorce, at its core, is a loss, which brings about feelings of grief for you, your co-parent, and your child or children. Healing from this loss takes time and the last thing your child or children need during this time is a secondary loss through the form of a new partner coming into and exiting their life. With this timeline, it should start when the divorce is finalized, and the physical separation has taken place. This allows for yourself, your co-parent, and your child or children to begin to adjust to the new normal before introducing another significant change. Now, 9 to 12 months is no guarantee that your new relationship with this partner will last, but this period of time can operate as a trial zone to see if the relationship is serious and stable enough to warrant your partner meeting your child or children. This time also allows you and your new partner to discuss boundaries and roles they may have in your child or children’s lives.  

Tip 2 – Talk to you co-parent about it: Introducing your new partner to your child is a significant event and it is helpful for your co-parent to be informed of this event. Depending on your relationship with your co-parent, this may be a difficult conversation. However, this conversation allows your co-parent to be included in a significant event in their child or children’s lives, as well as express any concerns or questions they may have about this introduction. In addition, if the roles were reversed, it is likely that you would want to be made aware of your child or children meeting your co-parent’s new partner as well, thus it is helpful and productive to extend your co-parent the same courtesy. Deciding to not have this conversation with your co-parent prior to introducing your child or children to a new partner may result in feelings of anger, resentment, and cause additional stress on your co-parenting relationship. We also don’t want your co-parent to find out about such information from your children as opposed to you, as children of divorce are not meant to be messengers of such significant information. Thus, having this conversation with your co-parent prior to the introduction helps to prevent this dynamic unhelpful dynamic from unfolding.

Tip 3 – Talk to your children: Before having your child or children meet your new partner, it is important to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this new individual that will be entering their lives. If possible, it can be helpful if you and your co-parent are able to sit down and have this conversation with your child or children together. However, if you feel that you and your co-parent are unable to have such a conversation with your child or children without potential conflict following, I recommend completing this conversation solo. During this conversation, children should be allowed to ask questions and express their concerns freely. With this news, children may express concerns about losing you to this new person or that this new person is going to take the place of the other parent. I would also encourage you to ask your child or children what can you do as a parent to make this introduction as comfortable as you can. Asking them such questions can help to provide helpful information when you begin to plan this meeting. After this conversation, they will likely have follow-up questions, thoughts, and feelings that they may express periodically, which is normal and appropriate.

Tip 4 – Pick a neutral place with an activity: When having your child or children meet your new partner, it is generally considered best practice to pick a neutral, public space, such as a park. Along with this, it is important to ensure that you are with your child or children and your new partner arrives to meet you all together. This helps to demonstrate to your child or children that you are here to support them through this significant change in their life and that they are not “losing” you to this new person. Furthermore, it is helpful to find an activity that promotes natural and authentic interaction between your child or children and your new partner. Some examples of activities may include a group scavenger hunt, game, or other engaging activity. If your partner has children of their own, it is recommended that they are not here for this initial meeting, nor should your child or children be there for your initial meeting with your partner’s children. Once you and your partner have each had your chance to interact and form bonds with one another’s children, further conversations and plans can be had on how to introduce your children to one another.

Tip 5 – Check in after the meeting: Once the major task of having your partner meet your child or children has been completed, it is helpful to follow up with them and check in on how they are feeling about the meeting. Some children are slower to process than others, so they may not have much to say at first, but they may bring up thoughts, feelings, and concerns later on. When such concerns are brought up, it is important to listen, validate, and reassure them of the things that will remain constant, such as your love and care for them. Having such conversations with your child or children will hopefully give you an understanding of where they are at and what you can do as a parent to support them as things may continue to change. They may also express differing thoughts to your co-parent, so it is also helpful to check in with your co-parent after this initial meeting to see if they can offer you any additional insights for you to take into consideration.

As I stated in the beginning on this article, there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to introducing a new partner to your children. However, it is helpful to consider the aforementioned tips as they are aimed at helping reduce stress and conflict, as well as promote a healthy and smooth introduction of your new partner to your children. If you are looking for additional guidance on this matter, I have included some helpful books on this matter that focus more so on blending a family. Thank you for reading and good luck!

Recommended Books for Kids: